How to make your system impossible for people with ADHD

I’ve been wrestling with a particularly horrible website system in recent days*, and it is making me so incredibly irritated, that I am inspired to dust off this blog and write a post so that YOU TOO, can create a system that is as horrible as this one for people like me. While writing pieces of this complaint-post, I also had to navigate a particularly awful phone system to call my credit card company, so I’ve woven in some suggestions from that delightful experience here, too.  

Because I have ADHD, multi-step instructions are a real challenge, especially when they have to be done in a particular order, and/or when different steps affect one another, or there are minor details that matter. 

For example, I recently drove to SDSU and located a particular parking lot that I was directed to park in (step 1), and called the person I was meeting once I got there (step 3), but completely failed to notice step 2, which was to park in a particular marked area at said parking garage. I had read through the texts that gave me all this information, but my brain just deleted the middle part, so I got the garage and panicked when I saw all the different choices for various types of marked spaces. Luckily, my friend didn’t get annoyed that they had to give me the information AGAIN they had already given me (or maybe they did but didn't yell at me), but I did feel rather embarrassed when I looked back at the texts and noticed the information was there.  

Photographic evidence I am not incompetent...I just think about stuff differently. (This is midway through replacing the Tacoma door handle, and teaching the kid how to do so as well).

 

Anyway, In no particular order, here are the key factors to include when designing your online system to make sure that people with ADHD cannot possibly succeed in getting through:

 

1.     Use cryptic language. For example, provide a yes or no button to ask if the person submitting your form also wants to be considered an "executive signatory", and add a line of small text “explaining” this selection by saying “selecting ‘yes’ indicates that you would like to be an executive signatory”. Do not explain what an executive signatory is! 

2.     Ensure there are as many steps as possible. If your process is relatively straightforward, you can maximize the number of steps by requiring the same information be entered multiple times in slightly different ways. Be creative with your wording to re-ask the same questions in increasingly confusing ways, too!

3.     Make sure the system will not save progress, and all entries must be completed in one go.     

4.     Instead of having fillable fields for things like “county”, or a drop-down menu that can be scrolled, use a search-based system: require the user to type the name of the county, and then wait for at least 2-3 minutes for the system to search for said county, so the user can select it. This is about 200 times longer than ADHD user will be able to wait without doing something else, which will increase the chances that they will be distracted by the new thing and forget they were working on the submission. Then they will get to start over again, since progress will not save and the system will time out.

5.     Add a small-print disclaimer that the search will take a while because the search lists are large. ADHD users will assume that this means about 10 seconds, so will repeatedly close out the system and restart, and try different browsers until they just try waiting an absurdly long time for the system to search through 58 entire counties. 

Actual photo of me after completing the permit form, 75 years after I started.

6.     Be prepared to receive emails asking if the system is broken. Sanguinely reply that it just requires patience, knowing this is something that people with ADHD tend to lack. Feel free to cackle like an evil villain while you type this reply.  

7.     Use the same search-based fields for more specific locations, but don’t populate the search with logical locations (for example, leave out the names of cities as choices). This will require the user to repeatedly guess at entries that might work, waiting several minutes for each entry to come back with “no results”. Surely this will cause them to give up, or throw their computer out a window. Consider investing in computer-repair services across the state.

8.     Make sure to add in a time-out feature. If the user has not interacted with the website in, let’s say 5 minutes, automatically revert back to the starting screen (erasing all progress), with a cheerful “good-bye!” message. 

✌☺✌

9.     On the system login screen, write “select your sign-in method” and then only provide one method. 

10.  On your initial post-login screen, provide at least 8 selectable options, that all look identical. Even though 99% of users want to selection option 7, hide this amongst the others in a random order and give it a confusing name. For example, do not call it “start here” or “enter system” or “log in” – that is too obvious. Instead, use a term such as “my applications.” This will confuse new ADHD users, who tend to be overly rational, and have not yet started an application. 

11.  Once the user goes through each selection one by one and eventually decides they should probably start at the “my applications” page, don’t provide a button to start a new application here. Instead, only provide links to several different how-to pdf documents for each type of application, each at least 30 pages long.

Too many instructions

12.  Set things up so that the user must first go to the “my profiles” page and populate a profile (getting confused about why a person would have more than one, given they are a single person), which is similar to the system registration page to set up a login, but requires just *slightly* more information. After the user has done this, set up the system so that a new option (hidden amongst the others) will pop up on the “my applications” page that will actually allow them to start a new application. 

13.  Do not provide explanatory instructions next to buttons, links, or terms (those little “i” buttons that provide concise, direct information relevant to a particular item are way too helpful for ADHD users. Since we are trying to exclude them, make sure they have to dig out the information buried somewhere in one of the several 30+ page long pdf documents). 

14.  Only use slightly different confusing language to explain your confusing terminology and step-by-step instructions for the application in your hefty pdf documents. Leave out explanations for terms that make no sense (a sense of mystery will make it “fun”!). You can have a friend proof-read your instructions to make sure they seem like they are explaining what to do to an untrained user, but actually require significant background knowledge and/or lucky guessing. ADHD users, who already struggle to follow clear and straightforward directions, will lose their minds!

15.  If you decide to have an automated phone system people can call for help, be sure to have many, many menus to get through, so that it takes at least 6 minutes to reach a human being and/or reach the end of a menu branch that will give the caller the information they are seeking (or, alternatively, to start over and try again because they failed). After each menu selection, be sure to add in a long pause (at least 20 seconds) before the next automated list – and do not fill this pause with any reassuring sounds, just silence. This will similarly make the ADHD caller think the call has been dropped, so they will have to call back and repeat the menu-navigation all over again.

 

I thought originally I might leave this post anonymized, so you might not know what particularly egregious system might have inspired me to finally write again, but I can’t help it. It’s this one. And the credit card? Chase. So bad. 

 

*Actually not recent. I decided to wait to post this until I’d successfully gotten the permit and thus might not have it denied out of spite for my complaints here (not that anyone would notice, didn’t want to jinx it. Then I forgot I wrote this…).  

How to get yourself/your kid (maybe?) to do boring stuff

 Well! Hello there! It’s been about a zillion years since I have been here to bestow my boundless wisdom into the ether, but it’s a new year (off to a fucking insane ridiculous dumpster-fire start) so what better time than to write something non-useful?! 

Today, I bring you Jessica’s top tips for motivation through boring stuff! These are my best distilled (who am I kidding?) tips that I regularly use to force myself to do* boring things that must be done. I have tried out most of these with the 9-year old as I struggle hard to try to convince him to complete the endless worksheets that are supposed to make him learn from home (but mostly make him hate school, and get mad at me). I tried getting the Ok from his teacher to just burn all of this and go look for bugs under logs instead, but that was not well-received. So, since I am a rule-follower, we are slogging through the backlog of work, sprinkling these tools along the way, keeping the old “get ‘er done” goal in sight. 

 

1.     Change of scenery

Yes, we set up a room in the house (formerly the guestroom, but what even is a guest anymore?) as a “classroom” with desks and such, but moving around to work in different areas can break things up and help motivate. Some places we do work: the playroom floor, the couch, the porch, the kitchen counter, the trampoline (not while jumping, that would be a bit dangerous from a pencil-stabbing-eyeballs standpoint), the outdoor couch, the garden, the 3^rd floor, etc. 

 

We use these smooth and rigid plastic bin-lids from Ikea as work surfaces for non-iPad work when I am coercing the children to do school work in these different non-desk locations. 

School on the trampoline - who would have thought?

2.     Colors and things

When doing something boring and repetitive, why not at least spice it up with some fancy colored pens? Or use some cute seahorse stamps to make your 6x7 array example instead of just drawing pencil dots? Stickers? I love this shit. 

I feel very pro with my handy change-of-scenery-friendly colored pencil/marker caddy made from some yogurt containers and zip ties. 

Yogurt containers are handy and cheap!

Cute, and also harder to lose.

 

3.     Chunks

Break up each giant, intimidating piece of work into manageable chunks: one worksheet page, half an hour of washing glassware, etc. You can even add chunks to a to-do list and cross them off, or make a spreadsheet and color-code the completed/to-do cells to celebrate and track progress. 

 

4.     Snacks

I learned this one from someone on Twitter: self-bribery with treats. Allow yourself/your kid to enjoy a gummy bear or similar treat after completing a given little chunk of work. 

 

I also like to use healthy snacks like celery sticks, carrots, snap peas, etc. to keep my mouth and therefore part of my brain busy and distracted while doing something boring. This is weirdly effective.

 

5.     Gum

Chewing gum might be helpful for reducing stress (and therefore maybe improving focus) for those with sensory-processing issues (i.e. see this study), although other work (like this study) suggests it can be distracting and negatively affect attention. Toss up?

Remote kindergarten - oh my.

6.     Background music/podcasts and such

I often work much better in loud-ish and/or busy environments (coffee shops, my office with the door open and people walking around talking, etc.). Quiet nothingness makes me feel like I need to be somewhere else – surely there must be something better happening that I am missing? Similarly, I can’t possibly do things like repetitive labwork or house cleaning without listening to podcasts or a book on tape, or talking on the phone.  

 

Maybe put on the soundtrack to The Mandalorian or Star Wars to make it seem like you’re accomplishing something important and slightly dangerous? 

 

7.     Trading

Sometimes, the kids trade with one another – the little one does a few too-hard multiplication equations while the older one does a few too-easy lines of handwriting. The older one’s handwriting is pretty messy, and the little one at least grasps the concept of multiplication, even if she’s not quite as adept, so it tends to work out for a few minutes…at least long enough for them to be happy to get back to doing their own work for a while. 

 

I do mental trading with myself – i.e. if I do this one hard thing that I hate (like budgets), then I can do some of this other thing I really enjoy (like writing). 

 

I have yet to figure out how to trade so that the kids do MY boring tasks, but I’m thinking it’s high time they learned how to clean a bathroom at least. Maybe in exchange for coloring? Why do they hate coloring? It’s so relaxing! 

 

Have these tools worked for motivating myself? Why, yes, indeed! For my kids? Not so much! Please send wine/your advice/COVID vaccines. 

All the things: change of locale, colors, snacks, distracting birds singing in the background, etc.

(*Caveat: you know I have ADHD, so whether or not I actually complete boring things is another story, but these to tend to help them move in the direction of maybe being done.)

Perfect Parenting Projects

Hello from Impending Doom (i.e. Sunday night before another week of pandemic parenting)! I hope you are holding up – if so, you are killing it! Nice job! 

For those of you who, like me, now have a preschooler at home and previously had absolutely no skills at keeping said preschooler engaged because you work and they go to preschool for a reason, I am here to share with you my new Perfect Parenting Projects advice. I’m qualified to provide this advice because my brother and his wife are preschool professionals, and I have rudimentary Vulcan Mind Meld skills (don’t tell), so I can now be trusted to guide you along on this newly-appointed-preschool-teacher journey. 

Step 1: Flail around on various Montessori-at home websites, and become totally overwhelmed by the volume of material and required time investment. Also get extremely confused because you have no formal Montessori training and you are not privy to the above-mentioned mind meld. Close 45 tabs and come back to this one. Now. Ready?

 

Serenity - it will all be ok (maybe, unless we all die and/or lose our jobs/housing//family members/friends, but who is counting...ok back to focusing on relatively small things because the rest is too much)

Step 2: Set up a sensory day:

(a)   Sight – cut paint swatches in half, and/or gather pairs of different-looking things like different sized washers, nuts, bolts, etc.  kid can do matching and then also ordering. Kids with Montessori experience in particular totally get this. It’s kind of magical. 

Estimated set-up time: 5-20 minutes. 

Estimated time this will keep them busy: 5-20 minutes, depending how hard you made it (I had like 16 shades of taupe – so proud of past me for keeping those). 

(b)  Smell – grab some things from the kitche that are kind of obvious-smelling and wrap them in foil, then poke some holes in them. Offer them to your kid to identify.
Estimated set-up time: 5 minutes. 

Estimated time this will keep them busy: 3 minutes. 

Not the most visually appealing

(c)   Taste – cut up tiny pieces of things and have your kid close their eyes & pop them into their mouths. Probably best not to give them things that will make them freak out, like maybe no jalapeños, and probably nothing deemed “gross”. 

Estimated set-up time: 2-5 minutes. 

Estimated time this will keep them busy: 3 minutes. They will probably ask to do it again with different things. 

(d)  Touch – put random objects into a cloth bag and have your kid try to identify them without looking in the bag. 

Estimated set-up time: 5 minutes of casting about the random things in kitchen drawers. 

Estimated time this will keep them busy: 5-20 minutes, depending on how hard you make it and how many clues you give. 

(e)   Hearing – re-use your paper towel/TP rolls to make matching-paired-shakers. Put inside things like dry beans, washers, rice, etc. 

Estimated set-up time: 30 minutes. 

Estimated time this will keep them busy: Maybe 5 minutes, but more like 2 if you make it too easy. 

There are probably faster & definitely less crappy ways to do this

Step 3: Design and carry out a super-creative craft project using items from nature:

(a)   Find an old Glass Gem corn cob in a drawer. 

(b)  Kernels must be plucked off using tweezers. This is good for fine-motor-skill development/practice. Disclaimer: I did not come up with this; we bought this cob to copy a work from the little one’s preschool, but then the little one decided the cob was too precious to take apart. However, I convinced her to use the cob for this work because of the awesome final-outcome, which will be to have a beautiful necklace to wear and show off said awesome kernels.

(c)   When the older child decides this looks way more fun than doing math worksheets that have been assigned, spend 30 minutes negotiating with the little one that the older child can also pluck half of the kernels from the cob as long as the little one gets to wear all necklaces made from said kernels.

(d)  Drill holes in a portion of the kernels the younger child has plucked while the children try to build robots from random nuts and bolts, and you explain what torque is and why the little whirring battery-powered motor that will spin a tiny propeller won’t propel a wood/nuts & bolts robot across the floor.

(e)   Partway through the hole drilling, the kids get bored of their robot plans.

(f)    The younger child decides she doesn’t want to make a necklace after all, and the kernels now must just live in the bowl she put them in. 

So pretty! Maybe I'll just make a necklace for myself

Step 4: Feel discouraged. Decide maybe we can just do playdoh, read, and watch movies for the next month. That probably never killed anyone.  

Never underestimate the awesomeness of facepaint

How to get your kid set up for remote-learning

In this very weird new world we find ourselves in, connected to others by computer, phones, and waves across a 6-foot chasm, I thought I would share with you my winning solution to getting your elementary-school kids set up for their new remote-learning situation. 

First, try not to let the emails from your school district learning coordinator, superintendent, principal and teacher get lost amongst the avalanche of emails re-assuring you that it is totally fine to re-book your airline flight, buy cupcakes delivered by disinfected drone, sign up for a zoom-based exercise class, etc. 

Next, once you have located the relevant emails amongst the haystack of others, pour yourself some coffee (or other beverage), take a deep breath, and sit down to read them.

 

These kids are way smarter than you might realize. This guy made his own worksheet, and one for his sister, after re-arranging our guest room into a makeshift classroom the day we learned that schools were closing. 

After reading the emails, save them as PDFs or print them, or put them in a special folder, and/or mark them as unread, and add a star/flag/whatever, because you are going to have to find them again. 

Now, lay down and have a good cry. My cry was mostly about how sad I feel for my kids, who love their schools so damn much, and their friends, and their teachers. Yes, it’s really nice in many ways to have more time together – but holy shit I am a terrible little-kid teacher and I am definitely not a good little-kid-friend, and our house is not in any way a substitute for a school environment. 

After you have a good cry, and feel better even though it doesn’t particularly help anything, wait until the next day. 

Try again, this time with your kid. Open the emails. Walk through the instructions step by step with your kid, and let your kid explain the parts you don’t get (“I already know how to do this, mom”). Maybe throw in a little “stop clicking so quickly!” in your best curmudgeonly voice. 

Be grateful that (if you are lucky like me), your kid’s teacher/school is amazing, and their expectations are reasonable.  

Or, if not, maybe sent them an email. This is all a weird experiment and no one knows what on earth we are doing. 

Then hug your kids. And maybe cry a little more. 

Along the same lines as the first photo, when you have no idea what you are doing, your kids might just come up with their own learning projects. The 4 yr old came up with her own Montessori-based ordering work using these wrenches when I was fixing our car a few weeks ago (the kids did not find watching me get dirty and frustrated very interesting). 

How to do your job poorly

Well hello out there! Long time no overshare! 

It’s been a little hectic around here – we’ve been overcommitted at work and spending too much free time (figuratively) banging our heads into a wall fighting crappy development projects, and trying not to be horrible parents and such. So, not a lot of time to write stuff, but I’ve managed to get on top of a few things and finally carved out a few minutes! Feeling really chuffed with myself. 

I’ve been reflecting lately on the general concept of work, and how a person gauges their own aptitude and overall “goodness” at a job. I have learned that I personally require a lot of external feedback to gauge whether or not I am doing Ok – I mean, not that I completely listen to people when they tell me I’m being a stubborn asshole, but, as with my sense of time, my ability to self-gauge is….poor. 

Some of this is probably “imposter syndrome” – where you feel like you got in the door accidentally, and at any moment, someone will notice that you aren’t supposed to be there, and kick you out. But, some of the je ne sais quoi – “essence” let’s call it – of being good at your job is not related to how well you perform technically, but how productive per unit time you are, or how much money you make, or whatever – I’m sure there are heaps more metrics (“pleasantness” perhaps?) of what makes a person “good” at their job.  

ANYWAY. 

The point of this blog is that I was thinking of some really fabulous examples of people being just absolute shit at their jobs, and this in a way is really helpful for me, to give me a nice clear sense of “no, that is not good, do not emulate.” So, in case you, too, struggle with knowing “am I doing Ok?”, I hope these examples help you, as well. 

Case 1: Just really not quite getting it

This actually didn’t happen to me, but to my mom. I won’t tell the story as well, but I’ll try. 

Scene: at the shoe portion of a department store. 

My mom: “Hello, can I please try on this shoe? I wear a size 7 and a half.”

Shoe salesman: “Sure, one moment.” [disappears for a while]

Shoe salesman: “Here you are! We didn’t have a 7 and a half, so I brought you a 6 and a half.” 

My mom: 

Shoe salesman: “Would you like to try them on?”

My mom: “I. Um. How do you… Um. I….” [bursts into flames]

Just another day at work for my friend Jessica Meir, performing maintenance outside of the Space Station (OMG, WOW, right?!). This is a good example of a time when a half-assed job just won't do.

Case 2: Really exemplifying your point very poorly

Not too long ago, I was at a required training class at work. The class was intended to teach us how to be good workers. Being as I am always feeling a bit overwhelmed, I was excited to find out the secrets to not sucking that I figured everyone else already knew. I expected this would lead to smooth sailing through the days from here out. 

Scene: a windowless room with about 30 adults sitting around groups-of-4 tables with table-tent name tags we were encouraged to decorate to express ourselves.

Instructor: “Now, you are all great at your technical work, and that’s why you were hired. But the ONLY way to succeed in this job, and life in general, is to have good SOFT SKILLS. This means being emotionally intelligent and understanding how to interact with other people effectively.”

Me: “I don’t think you mean to say that is the ONLY way to succeed.”

Instructor: “Oh, yes, definitely. If you don’t have good people skills, you will NEVER succeed. You will be a failure.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s discriminatory, and illegal.” 

Instructor: [completely loses his shit and screams at me, then realizes what he is doing and runs out of the room]

Everyone in the room: “Good display of soft skills there, instructor.”

Case 3: Act like you are a good person, but then do the exact opposite of what a good person would do

This one was inspired by a certain elected official who just really sucks, but I’m sure can be applied to many others across the planet. Perhaps they were all trained by the “soft skills” guy at my work. 

Scene: Anywheretown.

Nominee: You know what I care about? All the things that you care about! Let’s make stuff awesome!

Rabble: Yes! Finally! I’m so glad this person cares! I’m totally voting for them.

Elected person: Awesome guys, thanks so much for electing me! I totally still care about all the things that you care about. This is going to be wonderful.

Rabble: Woohoo! 

Elected person: Now, as I was saying, because we all care so deeply about the same things, I will now take decisive action to completely undermine these things, but I will do so while claiming that I have no other choice, and/or that you are just wrong in thinking that this is bad. 

Rabble: Wait, but no. We hate that. It is bad. Like, measurably bad.

Elected person: Well, what did you think was going to happen? I mean, I can’t actually make things better by making decisions that you approve of. That would be too hard.

Rabble: But, why?

Elected person: Well, because someone is going to complain about everything. So, I’ve decided it’s better just to say I care about certain things to sooth everyone’s nerves, and then behind your backs I will just do whatever I want. And then I’ll blame you, if you don’t like it. It’s really your fault for being fussy, you know. 

Rabble: What the fuck?

Elected person: I just smelled a rich person. Gotta run! Tootles!

Rabble: [scrabbling around] Where are the god damned pitchforks when you need them?!

Now THIS is some authentic good work. Little Jessica is working super hard here, most likely describing the difference in crystal size and therefore cooling rate of these two igneous rock specimens.

Case 4: Take all of your stress out on your coworkers

Scene: The conference room, with your core group of coworkers that you really like and respect.

Coworker 1: I have a very reasonable question for you!

You: FAAAACK. Really? I can’t. Blarggghhhh [rolls on floor for a while]

Coworker 2: I mean, that is a very reasonable question. Perhaps you can try to answer it.

You: [bangs hands and fists on floor, shakes head back and forth rapidly] Nooooo!!!! I don’t wannnnnnaaaaaa!

Coworker 3: Do you need to go home?

You: My kids have been sick for like a century and I got puked on and did four loads of laundry yesterday and haven’t slept properly in like a decade. Is that what you were asking about? No? Oh. You want me to provide data. OH! Sorry. I thought this was an opportunity to overshare about my personal stresses. 

Everyone: [stares]

You: Do you feel loved, that I’m comfortable enough with you to lose my shit?

Everyone: [shrugs]

You: [looks at notes] Ok, sorry. Looks like...42. 

Ok guys! Since Case 4 was me, today, I think I will self-diagnose bedtime now. Hopefully that will put Case 4 on the backburner for a while from yours truly...but in any case, if this coronavirus business keeps on its course, there might be more posts coming soon where this one came from, if we’re all stuck at home! WHOOHOO!

Do you have a best-worst-job performance story? Please leave it in the comments. It would be such a treat. 

Actually

“Actually, I want to sleep in my bed,” says the 3 year old, after I’ve set up the “foldo” on the floor of her bedroom with pillow and blanket to exacting specifications regarding angle and location. 

“Actually, I don’t want my blanket on me,” she says, after re-settling her onto her bed, with pillow and blanket, and following specific instructions on blanket flatness and distance below chin.

“Actually, I do want my blanket on me,” she declares, after several minutes of fussing with said blanket to try to make herself into a taco. 

“Actually, I want to sleep on the foldo.”

Trying not to yell, I inform her that as long as she stays in her room and has a nap, I do not particularly care where or how she chooses to place her body, but that I am done participating and will be leaving now before I feel the urge to break something. 

"Actually, I no longer feel thirsty, thanks."

***

“Actually, I’m not sure we made the right choices. I think we should go back and cancel the whole thing,” he says. 

We are currently driving home after spending 4 hours in IKEA spanning the 2 year’s old nap time ordering a kitchen that took weeks of planning, while living in and cooking out of a trailer in the yard. 

I am grateful to be driving. I keep the pedal pressed to the floor. 

***

“Actually, I don’t want oatmeal. I want rice crispies,” she says, as I present her with the bowl of oatmeal I just prepared at her request.

“Actually, I wanted the milk on the side,” she says, three milliseconds after I pour the milk into the bowl to commence the snap-crackling. 

How convenient, I think. Now I won’t forget to make myself breakfast, I just get to eat two small bowls of rejected food and I’ll be good to go. 

Day 1: Hey mom, this is awesome! You can just lick salt directly off the ground!
Day 2: Actually....[intestinal mutiny]

***

“Actually, I think the electricity bill must be so high because you are always washing clothes, and doing the dishes. We should try washing the dishes by hand for a month and seeing how that changes the bill,” he says. “And also, just don’t do so much laundry.” 

I try, and fail, not to have an aneurism.

***

I break down and spend $100 on a replacement electronic control board for the dishwasher. 

Dishwasher, on 1st run: "Sweet! I'm all set now, thanks!"

Dishwasher, on 2nd run: "Actually, no. I'm going to give you the same problem as before, but thanks for trying!"