How to make your system impossible for people with ADHD

I’ve been wrestling with a particularly horrible website system in recent days*, and it is making me so incredibly irritated, that I am inspired to dust off this blog and write a post so that YOU TOO, can create a system that is as horrible as this one for people like me. While writing pieces of this complaint-post, I also had to navigate a particularly awful phone system to call my credit card company, so I’ve woven in some suggestions from that delightful experience here, too.  

Because I have ADHD, multi-step instructions are a real challenge, especially when they have to be done in a particular order, and/or when different steps affect one another, or there are minor details that matter. 

For example, I recently drove to SDSU and located a particular parking lot that I was directed to park in (step 1), and called the person I was meeting once I got there (step 3), but completely failed to notice step 2, which was to park in a particular marked area at said parking garage. I had read through the texts that gave me all this information, but my brain just deleted the middle part, so I got the garage and panicked when I saw all the different choices for various types of marked spaces. Luckily, my friend didn’t get annoyed that they had to give me the information AGAIN they had already given me (or maybe they did but didn't yell at me), but I did feel rather embarrassed when I looked back at the texts and noticed the information was there.  

Photographic evidence I am not incompetent...I just think about stuff differently. (This is midway through replacing the Tacoma door handle, and teaching the kid how to do so as well).

 

Anyway, In no particular order, here are the key factors to include when designing your online system to make sure that people with ADHD cannot possibly succeed in getting through:

 

1.     Use cryptic language. For example, provide a yes or no button to ask if the person submitting your form also wants to be considered an "executive signatory", and add a line of small text “explaining” this selection by saying “selecting ‘yes’ indicates that you would like to be an executive signatory”. Do not explain what an executive signatory is! 

2.     Ensure there are as many steps as possible. If your process is relatively straightforward, you can maximize the number of steps by requiring the same information be entered multiple times in slightly different ways. Be creative with your wording to re-ask the same questions in increasingly confusing ways, too!

3.     Make sure the system will not save progress, and all entries must be completed in one go.     

4.     Instead of having fillable fields for things like “county”, or a drop-down menu that can be scrolled, use a search-based system: require the user to type the name of the county, and then wait for at least 2-3 minutes for the system to search for said county, so the user can select it. This is about 200 times longer than ADHD user will be able to wait without doing something else, which will increase the chances that they will be distracted by the new thing and forget they were working on the submission. Then they will get to start over again, since progress will not save and the system will time out.

5.     Add a small-print disclaimer that the search will take a while because the search lists are large. ADHD users will assume that this means about 10 seconds, so will repeatedly close out the system and restart, and try different browsers until they just try waiting an absurdly long time for the system to search through 58 entire counties. 

Actual photo of me after completing the permit form, 75 years after I started.

6.     Be prepared to receive emails asking if the system is broken. Sanguinely reply that it just requires patience, knowing this is something that people with ADHD tend to lack. Feel free to cackle like an evil villain while you type this reply.  

7.     Use the same search-based fields for more specific locations, but don’t populate the search with logical locations (for example, leave out the names of cities as choices). This will require the user to repeatedly guess at entries that might work, waiting several minutes for each entry to come back with “no results”. Surely this will cause them to give up, or throw their computer out a window. Consider investing in computer-repair services across the state.

8.     Make sure to add in a time-out feature. If the user has not interacted with the website in, let’s say 5 minutes, automatically revert back to the starting screen (erasing all progress), with a cheerful “good-bye!” message. 

✌☺✌

9.     On the system login screen, write “select your sign-in method” and then only provide one method. 

10.  On your initial post-login screen, provide at least 8 selectable options, that all look identical. Even though 99% of users want to selection option 7, hide this amongst the others in a random order and give it a confusing name. For example, do not call it “start here” or “enter system” or “log in” – that is too obvious. Instead, use a term such as “my applications.” This will confuse new ADHD users, who tend to be overly rational, and have not yet started an application. 

11.  Once the user goes through each selection one by one and eventually decides they should probably start at the “my applications” page, don’t provide a button to start a new application here. Instead, only provide links to several different how-to pdf documents for each type of application, each at least 30 pages long.

Too many instructions

12.  Set things up so that the user must first go to the “my profiles” page and populate a profile (getting confused about why a person would have more than one, given they are a single person), which is similar to the system registration page to set up a login, but requires just *slightly* more information. After the user has done this, set up the system so that a new option (hidden amongst the others) will pop up on the “my applications” page that will actually allow them to start a new application. 

13.  Do not provide explanatory instructions next to buttons, links, or terms (those little “i” buttons that provide concise, direct information relevant to a particular item are way too helpful for ADHD users. Since we are trying to exclude them, make sure they have to dig out the information buried somewhere in one of the several 30+ page long pdf documents). 

14.  Only use slightly different confusing language to explain your confusing terminology and step-by-step instructions for the application in your hefty pdf documents. Leave out explanations for terms that make no sense (a sense of mystery will make it “fun”!). You can have a friend proof-read your instructions to make sure they seem like they are explaining what to do to an untrained user, but actually require significant background knowledge and/or lucky guessing. ADHD users, who already struggle to follow clear and straightforward directions, will lose their minds!

15.  If you decide to have an automated phone system people can call for help, be sure to have many, many menus to get through, so that it takes at least 6 minutes to reach a human being and/or reach the end of a menu branch that will give the caller the information they are seeking (or, alternatively, to start over and try again because they failed). After each menu selection, be sure to add in a long pause (at least 20 seconds) before the next automated list – and do not fill this pause with any reassuring sounds, just silence. This will similarly make the ADHD caller think the call has been dropped, so they will have to call back and repeat the menu-navigation all over again.

 

I thought originally I might leave this post anonymized, so you might not know what particularly egregious system might have inspired me to finally write again, but I can’t help it. It’s this one. And the credit card? Chase. So bad. 

 

*Actually not recent. I decided to wait to post this until I’d successfully gotten the permit and thus might not have it denied out of spite for my complaints here (not that anyone would notice, didn’t want to jinx it. Then I forgot I wrote this…).  

How to get yourself/your kid (maybe?) to do boring stuff

 Well! Hello there! It’s been about a zillion years since I have been here to bestow my boundless wisdom into the ether, but it’s a new year (off to a fucking insane ridiculous dumpster-fire start) so what better time than to write something non-useful?! 

Today, I bring you Jessica’s top tips for motivation through boring stuff! These are my best distilled (who am I kidding?) tips that I regularly use to force myself to do* boring things that must be done. I have tried out most of these with the 9-year old as I struggle hard to try to convince him to complete the endless worksheets that are supposed to make him learn from home (but mostly make him hate school, and get mad at me). I tried getting the Ok from his teacher to just burn all of this and go look for bugs under logs instead, but that was not well-received. So, since I am a rule-follower, we are slogging through the backlog of work, sprinkling these tools along the way, keeping the old “get ‘er done” goal in sight. 

 

1.     Change of scenery

Yes, we set up a room in the house (formerly the guestroom, but what even is a guest anymore?) as a “classroom” with desks and such, but moving around to work in different areas can break things up and help motivate. Some places we do work: the playroom floor, the couch, the porch, the kitchen counter, the trampoline (not while jumping, that would be a bit dangerous from a pencil-stabbing-eyeballs standpoint), the outdoor couch, the garden, the 3^rd floor, etc. 

 

We use these smooth and rigid plastic bin-lids from Ikea as work surfaces for non-iPad work when I am coercing the children to do school work in these different non-desk locations. 

School on the trampoline - who would have thought?

2.     Colors and things

When doing something boring and repetitive, why not at least spice it up with some fancy colored pens? Or use some cute seahorse stamps to make your 6x7 array example instead of just drawing pencil dots? Stickers? I love this shit. 

I feel very pro with my handy change-of-scenery-friendly colored pencil/marker caddy made from some yogurt containers and zip ties. 

Yogurt containers are handy and cheap!

Cute, and also harder to lose.

 

3.     Chunks

Break up each giant, intimidating piece of work into manageable chunks: one worksheet page, half an hour of washing glassware, etc. You can even add chunks to a to-do list and cross them off, or make a spreadsheet and color-code the completed/to-do cells to celebrate and track progress. 

 

4.     Snacks

I learned this one from someone on Twitter: self-bribery with treats. Allow yourself/your kid to enjoy a gummy bear or similar treat after completing a given little chunk of work. 

 

I also like to use healthy snacks like celery sticks, carrots, snap peas, etc. to keep my mouth and therefore part of my brain busy and distracted while doing something boring. This is weirdly effective.

 

5.     Gum

Chewing gum might be helpful for reducing stress (and therefore maybe improving focus) for those with sensory-processing issues (i.e. see this study), although other work (like this study) suggests it can be distracting and negatively affect attention. Toss up?

Remote kindergarten - oh my.

6.     Background music/podcasts and such

I often work much better in loud-ish and/or busy environments (coffee shops, my office with the door open and people walking around talking, etc.). Quiet nothingness makes me feel like I need to be somewhere else – surely there must be something better happening that I am missing? Similarly, I can’t possibly do things like repetitive labwork or house cleaning without listening to podcasts or a book on tape, or talking on the phone.  

 

Maybe put on the soundtrack to The Mandalorian or Star Wars to make it seem like you’re accomplishing something important and slightly dangerous? 

 

7.     Trading

Sometimes, the kids trade with one another – the little one does a few too-hard multiplication equations while the older one does a few too-easy lines of handwriting. The older one’s handwriting is pretty messy, and the little one at least grasps the concept of multiplication, even if she’s not quite as adept, so it tends to work out for a few minutes…at least long enough for them to be happy to get back to doing their own work for a while. 

 

I do mental trading with myself – i.e. if I do this one hard thing that I hate (like budgets), then I can do some of this other thing I really enjoy (like writing). 

 

I have yet to figure out how to trade so that the kids do MY boring tasks, but I’m thinking it’s high time they learned how to clean a bathroom at least. Maybe in exchange for coloring? Why do they hate coloring? It’s so relaxing! 

 

Have these tools worked for motivating myself? Why, yes, indeed! For my kids? Not so much! Please send wine/your advice/COVID vaccines. 

All the things: change of locale, colors, snacks, distracting birds singing in the background, etc.

(*Caveat: you know I have ADHD, so whether or not I actually complete boring things is another story, but these to tend to help them move in the direction of maybe being done.)

Parenting and marriage are not inherently compatible

I’m single-parenting tonight, and trying to avoid election coverage (scarred from 2016? yes), so thought I might dust the cobwebs off of this old blog and write about something near and dear to my heart: kids + marriage = tailspin?! 

Important to note: my kids are the most important and best things that have ever happened to me, and I regularly kill spiders with my bare hands to protect them. If needed, I would kill crocodiles or carry them across hot coals; the below should not be interpreted as my having any regrets whatsoever at having them.

Now. Oh my god. No one warned me. I mean, there is perhaps no adequate way of warning people what it will be like to have kids – I’m sure it’s different for everyone (if the vast differences between my two kids are any indication). 

However.

An apparently universal problem that women in my general generation seem to have (based on my discussions, with a sample size of around 25ish) is that having a kid is FUCKING HARD ON A MARRIAGE. Nearly everyone I know with kids either did get, or considered getting, divorced the first year after their kid was born. Not one of these women regretted having a kid, but they suddenly wondered: who the freaking hell did I marry? 

My brain: "I can do this, right? Please children do not try to leap out. OMG this is NOT STRESSFUL. I am having SO MUCH FUN. Just keep thinking it."

I say that this appears to be somewhat specific to my generation only because older women I’ve spoken to did not have the same universal “Oh fuck, TOTALLY” reaction as have the younger women, when discussing the sudden feeling that we had been hoodwinked. We got married to someone who loved us for our independence and drive, but then apparently expected us to immediately throw those things out the window once the kids came along and it became abundantly obvious that children require a LOT of attention. 

Sorry, older generation, but I partially blame you. You spent our childhoods encouraging us girls to do anything – we could be doctors, lawyers, astronauts! We could become the CEO of an important company, or sail around the world by ourselves! We could climb Everest and spelunk into caves in the deep jungle. 

But you forgot to tell us that these things are not effortlessly compatible with having children. And likewise, that without having a wife at home with the kids, it would make our partner’s lives difficult to pursue his own ambitions. And wow is it just a great way to ferment bitterness (I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my hubby thinking it is “fair” that he has gotten to go on several boys’ surf trips post-kids while I have “gotten” to go on work trips). 

My particular older-generation relatives have been AMAZINGLY supportive post-kids (to make up for their lack of appropriate warnings that led both my husband and I to run head-long into careers that make it really hard to have kids and not totally freak out from stress?). Our parents have taken weeks and weeks out of their lives to come to our house (in some cases across the country and/or ocean!) to help while one of us was away, and have come with me on work trips to care for the kids. This has allowed us to pursue our not-very-kid-compatible careers. This is wonderful, but not everyone has this kind of support network (which requires both available time and MONEY). 

While telling us girls that we could do anything, y’all also forgot to teach the boys that in order for girls to be able to do anything and everything, they have to STEP IT UP in the parenting department. This doesn’t mean changing a diaper now and then, or wearing your baby on a monthly walk, and then sitting back and receiving praise for being SO involved. Nor does it mean playing with the kids while your wife does the housework. No, this means DOING ALL THE THINGS required to keep the household running while mom is doing non-kid-compatible things like working, going surfing, or getting a massage (maybe take a play out of the Aka tribe’s book?). 

While as a kid the idea of being a pharmacist or an optometrist was not as exciting as my goal to become a marine scientist, those jobs are – as I’ve learned from speaking to ladies in these jobs with grown kids – rather compatible with kids. It’s apparently fine to take time off and/or go back to work part-time without falling behind your colleagues and becoming non-competitive for jobs! What?! Plus, hours are flexible, allowing you to hang out with your kids in the morning when they are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and then maybe start work at nap time and let someone else hang out with them for the witching hour. Gosh, that sounds refreshing. 

Maybe I still wouldn’t have chosen that path, had I known, but hot damn I would have liked to have made more informed decisions about my life trajectory. 

An example of a non-kid-compatible activity that is our preferred way to spend time together: floating down a possibly freshwater-croc infested hot-spring river in the Northern Territory.

So, what do we do?

Here are my suggestions:

1.   Hang in there through the post-baby relationship nose-dive. You guys got married because you liked each other. You probably still do, it’s just really hard and different. But it gets easier as the kids get older and less demanding. I found that the 1^stbirthday was a massive turning point for us. 2.    Get help. I hear great things about family therapy to help with #1. I’ve benefited from personal counseling as well, because I’m inherently neurotic and hard to live with, thus making the above harder. J
3.    Know you aren’t alone. Your marriage/parenting struggles are (unfortunately) really common and do not necessarily spell doom.
4.    Talk about it with your partner. It’s shocking to me how many times I’ve made assumptions that were contradicted when I finally clearly articulated how I felt. Example: I felt like I was expected to quit my job and become a stay at home mom, but my husband literally laughed and told me he agreed I would suck at that.
5.    Talk about it with your mom friends. I fucking love complaining. It makes it easier to deal with problems.
6.    Teach your boys to step up. Talk about these issues, and brainstorm ways to make them better. Teach them how to do housework (ahem, note to self).
7.    Let your partner parent. It’s tempting to have one person (usually mom) become the default parent and for them to make the decisions. But it’s not fair. I have had to literally just leave the house to prevent myself from meddling when I think my husband isn’t “doing it right,” but hot damn ladies, if we want our partners to step it up, we have to LET THEM.

This post was finished while on the train to my brother and his fiancé’s baby shower. I admit I am worried for them – they are living in different places right now, and he’s in grad school. These things are already really stressful. But, my brother was also one of the first people I left my first infant with alone – he is amazing and I know he will be a fantastic dad. So, this post is also one gift from me for their baby shower, so they can’t say I didn’t warn them!

The Best Mac-N-Cheese Ever™

Well hello, there! I just excavated this website out of layers of cobwebs, because I have something very, very important to share with you: the best Mac-N-Cheese recipe, ever. 

Yes, the rumors are true: while I am an amazing scientist, world-class surfer, and perfect mom, I am also an AMAZING cook. My favorite time to cook is at the end of a long day at work, preferably one kicked off by getting up at 4:45 am to hit to gym to maintain (since it’s impossible to improve!) my incredible physique. My favorite people to cook for? My kids, of course! They LOVE my cooking, always. No matter what fantastic new and exciting dish I create, they devour it with delight and thank me for nourishing them with such loving skill. 

[The photo I would have placed here would have demonstrated how amazing I am as a cook/mom/everything, but I didn't want to make anyone super jealous]

Now, dear readers, my gift to you is to share at least some of this radical life-success with you, by letting you in on my Mac-N-Cheese making secrets. Get ready to revolutionize your cooking game by following these 15 easy steps!

1.     Assemble your ingredients and supplies 

Ingredients:                                                                         Supplies:

Mac-N-Cheese box (preferably the orange kind).              Pot

Water                                                                                  Cup

Pat of butter                                                                        Butter knife & spoon

Glug of milk                                                                         Strainer

2.    Pour around 4 cups of water into the pot, and set it to boil.

3.    Open the Mac-N-Cheese box, and remove the Cheese packet.

4.    When the water is boiling, add the pasta to the boiling water (I almost typed “Mac” instead of pasta, but wouldn’t want you to throw your computer in to boil, so I called it “pasta”. Here, “pasta” refers to the “Mac” in “Mac-N-Cheese”, in case that nuance was too confusing).

5.    Now, here’s the important part: empty the packet of Cheese into the cup.

6.    Pour a glug of milk into the cup.

7.    Stir with the butter knife to combine into a nice, thick paste, about the consistency of yogurt. If you added too much milk, that sucks. If you didn’t add enough, glug in a little more and stir.

8.    Wipe the excess reconstituted super amazing Cheese-sauce off the side of the butter knife back into the cup.

Revolutionary step #1

9.    Second important/revolutionary part: Use the butter knife to cut a pat of butter off of your stick or out of your butter-like-substance container, if that’s your bag. Place the knife+butter on the counter near the sink.

Amazing piece of advice #2

10.  Check the pasta for done-ness by fishing out a piece with the spoon, running it under cold water, and tasting it. It’s done when it has absolutely no texture left, whatsoever. Kids are allergic to texture.

11.  When the pasta is sufficiently done, run cold water into your sink so you don’t melt your pipes, and then drain the pasta into a colander adjacent to the stream of water. Don’t rinse the pot or the pasta with the water.

12.  Next, possibly the best advice of this entire blog post: tip the pat of butter off of the waiting butter knife into the empty, but still hot pot. Swirl it around so it melts and coats the bottom of the pot.

Supremely important advice #3

13.  Shake around the pasta in the colander so it’s not too soggy, and then pour it back into the butter-coated pot. 

14.  Place the pot back on the stove now, or some other heat-proof surface where the hot pot won’t fuck up your counter. 

15.  Use the butter knife to scrape the prepared Cheese sauce onto your Mac (the pasta! not your computer!), and then use the same knife or your pasta-doneness spoon to stir it all together until each pasta piece is evenly coated in delicious orange goo.

Do not forget to serve the Mac-N-Cheese in identical dishes, to avoid the fairness fight that is otherwise sure to ensue

The technique I have selflessly shared with you tonight will create beautiful, rich Mac-N-Cheese comprised of well-cooked pasta that is properly favored with reconstituted supple cheese sauce without burnt, dried out pasta, dry clumps of cheese-flavored powder, and naked bits of pasta that invariably result from following the instructions on the Mac-N-Cheese package.  

I hope you enjoy basking in the adoration of your offspring after you present to them the Best Mac-N-Cheese Ever™. I humbly accept your undying gratitude.