How to do your job poorly

Well hello out there! Long time no overshare! 

It’s been a little hectic around here – we’ve been overcommitted at work and spending too much free time (figuratively) banging our heads into a wall fighting crappy development projects, and trying not to be horrible parents and such. So, not a lot of time to write stuff, but I’ve managed to get on top of a few things and finally carved out a few minutes! Feeling really chuffed with myself. 

I’ve been reflecting lately on the general concept of work, and how a person gauges their own aptitude and overall “goodness” at a job. I have learned that I personally require a lot of external feedback to gauge whether or not I am doing Ok – I mean, not that I completely listen to people when they tell me I’m being a stubborn asshole, but, as with my sense of time, my ability to self-gauge is….poor. 

Some of this is probably “imposter syndrome” – where you feel like you got in the door accidentally, and at any moment, someone will notice that you aren’t supposed to be there, and kick you out. But, some of the je ne sais quoi – “essence” let’s call it – of being good at your job is not related to how well you perform technically, but how productive per unit time you are, or how much money you make, or whatever – I’m sure there are heaps more metrics (“pleasantness” perhaps?) of what makes a person “good” at their job.  

ANYWAY. 

The point of this blog is that I was thinking of some really fabulous examples of people being just absolute shit at their jobs, and this in a way is really helpful for me, to give me a nice clear sense of “no, that is not good, do not emulate.” So, in case you, too, struggle with knowing “am I doing Ok?”, I hope these examples help you, as well. 

Case 1: Just really not quite getting it

This actually didn’t happen to me, but to my mom. I won’t tell the story as well, but I’ll try. 

Scene: at the shoe portion of a department store. 

My mom: “Hello, can I please try on this shoe? I wear a size 7 and a half.”

Shoe salesman: “Sure, one moment.” [disappears for a while]

Shoe salesman: “Here you are! We didn’t have a 7 and a half, so I brought you a 6 and a half.” 

My mom: 

Shoe salesman: “Would you like to try them on?”

My mom: “I. Um. How do you… Um. I….” [bursts into flames]

Just another day at work for my friend Jessica Meir, performing maintenance outside of the Space Station (OMG, WOW, right?!). This is a good example of a time when a half-assed job just won't do.

Case 2: Really exemplifying your point very poorly

Not too long ago, I was at a required training class at work. The class was intended to teach us how to be good workers. Being as I am always feeling a bit overwhelmed, I was excited to find out the secrets to not sucking that I figured everyone else already knew. I expected this would lead to smooth sailing through the days from here out. 

Scene: a windowless room with about 30 adults sitting around groups-of-4 tables with table-tent name tags we were encouraged to decorate to express ourselves.

Instructor: “Now, you are all great at your technical work, and that’s why you were hired. But the ONLY way to succeed in this job, and life in general, is to have good SOFT SKILLS. This means being emotionally intelligent and understanding how to interact with other people effectively.”

Me: “I don’t think you mean to say that is the ONLY way to succeed.”

Instructor: “Oh, yes, definitely. If you don’t have good people skills, you will NEVER succeed. You will be a failure.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s discriminatory, and illegal.” 

Instructor: [completely loses his shit and screams at me, then realizes what he is doing and runs out of the room]

Everyone in the room: “Good display of soft skills there, instructor.”

Case 3: Act like you are a good person, but then do the exact opposite of what a good person would do

This one was inspired by a certain elected official who just really sucks, but I’m sure can be applied to many others across the planet. Perhaps they were all trained by the “soft skills” guy at my work. 

Scene: Anywheretown.

Nominee: You know what I care about? All the things that you care about! Let’s make stuff awesome!

Rabble: Yes! Finally! I’m so glad this person cares! I’m totally voting for them.

Elected person: Awesome guys, thanks so much for electing me! I totally still care about all the things that you care about. This is going to be wonderful.

Rabble: Woohoo! 

Elected person: Now, as I was saying, because we all care so deeply about the same things, I will now take decisive action to completely undermine these things, but I will do so while claiming that I have no other choice, and/or that you are just wrong in thinking that this is bad. 

Rabble: Wait, but no. We hate that. It is bad. Like, measurably bad.

Elected person: Well, what did you think was going to happen? I mean, I can’t actually make things better by making decisions that you approve of. That would be too hard.

Rabble: But, why?

Elected person: Well, because someone is going to complain about everything. So, I’ve decided it’s better just to say I care about certain things to sooth everyone’s nerves, and then behind your backs I will just do whatever I want. And then I’ll blame you, if you don’t like it. It’s really your fault for being fussy, you know. 

Rabble: What the fuck?

Elected person: I just smelled a rich person. Gotta run! Tootles!

Rabble: [scrabbling around] Where are the god damned pitchforks when you need them?!

Now THIS is some authentic good work. Little Jessica is working super hard here, most likely describing the difference in crystal size and therefore cooling rate of these two igneous rock specimens.

Case 4: Take all of your stress out on your coworkers

Scene: The conference room, with your core group of coworkers that you really like and respect.

Coworker 1: I have a very reasonable question for you!

You: FAAAACK. Really? I can’t. Blarggghhhh [rolls on floor for a while]

Coworker 2: I mean, that is a very reasonable question. Perhaps you can try to answer it.

You: [bangs hands and fists on floor, shakes head back and forth rapidly] Nooooo!!!! I don’t wannnnnnaaaaaa!

Coworker 3: Do you need to go home?

You: My kids have been sick for like a century and I got puked on and did four loads of laundry yesterday and haven’t slept properly in like a decade. Is that what you were asking about? No? Oh. You want me to provide data. OH! Sorry. I thought this was an opportunity to overshare about my personal stresses. 

Everyone: [stares]

You: Do you feel loved, that I’m comfortable enough with you to lose my shit?

Everyone: [shrugs]

You: [looks at notes] Ok, sorry. Looks like...42. 

Ok guys! Since Case 4 was me, today, I think I will self-diagnose bedtime now. Hopefully that will put Case 4 on the backburner for a while from yours truly...but in any case, if this coronavirus business keeps on its course, there might be more posts coming soon where this one came from, if we’re all stuck at home! WHOOHOO!

Do you have a best-worst-job performance story? Please leave it in the comments. It would be such a treat.