After more than three years, we are leaving Australia. It is
tragic and heartbreaking, even though we are going back to California, a place
I also love deeply. To make myself feel better about this transition, I’ve decided
to blog about the things that bother me about this far-flung continent. Why
does Australia suck?
1. The driving
These people are insane. The roads are narrow, and what was
once a lane often suddenly stops when someone decides to park. Everyone drives
as fast as possible, as close to the car in front as possible, even in
otherwise quiet neighborhood streets. Pedestrians do not have the right of way
– no, they will run you and your baby stroller down if you step out in the
street too soon.
Cars are expensive to buy and incredibly expensive to
maintain and drive, but are worth almost nothing when you then decide to sell
them. Also, they seem to attract large spiders.
Filling up the gas tank is also annoying. You can’t pay at
the pump, and you can’t click the thingy on the nozzle, so you have to stand
there and smell the fossil fuel fumes while the guilt piles up. Then you have
to walk inside and pay an actual human being. Ugh!
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The scenery: just so boring and ugly, you know? |
2. The climate
What the hell is that water coming out of the sky all the time,
people? And why is it so abrupt, and always sneaking up on me when the laundry
is out?
Also, seriously why don’t you insulate your buildings, and
have heating? I guess it’s slightly warmer than England here in Wollongong, but
right now I’m wearing a long-sleeve shirt, jeans, fuzzy socks, a sweater, and a
wool blanket and just barely surviving. Of course, the ocean is still almost
warm enough to surf in a springsuit, but you’ll freeze before you get to the
sand. Uncool.
3. The paper
Does it really have to be that long?
4. The creepy things
Ok, it’s true that the US has some large things that can
kill you – bears and shit. But they don’t sneak into your linen cabinet to
startle you to death while you are blithely going about your daily routine.
And, I really don’t care that the only things here that most
terrify me are not the venomous ones…gigantic hairy spiders and leeches are
creatures that I prefer not to have lurking in my general 5-mile radius.
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The other animals: just so rude. That's my porch, cockatoo! |
5. The language
Ostensibly English, but they make everything sound adorable.
“Daggy tracky-dacks”? “Bikey gangs”? How are we supposed to take you seriously?
You aren’t allowed to have that much fun with communication.
6. The lack of surfers
It’s really annoying when I want to go surfing but no one
else it out. I’m too scared of being the only shark bait in the vicinity to go
by myself, regardless of the fact that I haven’t seen or heard of any shark
sightings here, while they are apparently
invading California lineups.
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The people: Always crowding up the outdoors, and being friendly. What the hell? |
It’s so good, and so expensive. And super decadent cakes are
usually also on offer. Totally unfair.
8. The waitservice
Since people like bartenders and waitresses actually get
paid a living wage, they don’t depend on being nice to customers to get tips
and pay rent. If they bring you the wrong food and don’t particularly feel like
fixing things, they just blame the menu for being wrong and walk away. I guess
you can’t blame them, though. I wouldn’t want to deal with me either, whining
about wanting arugula instead of romaine lettuce.
9. The children
They are just so damn happy, running around and playing and
not shooting each other. Geez.
Damn, that didn’t really help at all. Well, the only thing
to do is embrace the Aussie attitude: “she’ll be right, mate.” Yeah, I guess
it’ll be all right, in the end. As long as we get to come back soon.