Parenting and marriage are not inherently compatible

I’m single-parenting tonight, and trying to avoid election coverage (scarred from 2016? yes), so thought I might dust the cobwebs off of this old blog and write about something near and dear to my heart: kids + marriage = tailspin?! 

Important to note: my kids are the most important and best things that have ever happened to me, and I regularly kill spiders with my bare hands to protect them. If needed, I would kill crocodiles or carry them across hot coals; the below should not be interpreted as my having any regrets whatsoever at having them.

Now. Oh my god. No one warned me. I mean, there is perhaps no adequate way of warning people what it will be like to have kids – I’m sure it’s different for everyone (if the vast differences between my two kids are any indication). 

However.

An apparently universal problem that women in my general generation seem to have (based on my discussions, with a sample size of around 25ish) is that having a kid is FUCKING HARD ON A MARRIAGE. Nearly everyone I know with kids either did get, or considered getting, divorced the first year after their kid was born. Not one of these women regretted having a kid, but they suddenly wondered: who the freaking hell did I marry? 

My brain: "I can do this, right? Please children do not try to leap out. OMG this is NOT STRESSFUL. I am having SO MUCH FUN. Just keep thinking it."

I say that this appears to be somewhat specific to my generation only because older women I’ve spoken to did not have the same universal “Oh fuck, TOTALLY” reaction as have the younger women, when discussing the sudden feeling that we had been hoodwinked. We got married to someone who loved us for our independence and drive, but then apparently expected us to immediately throw those things out the window once the kids came along and it became abundantly obvious that children require a LOT of attention. 

Sorry, older generation, but I partially blame you. You spent our childhoods encouraging us girls to do anything – we could be doctors, lawyers, astronauts! We could become the CEO of an important company, or sail around the world by ourselves! We could climb Everest and spelunk into caves in the deep jungle. 

But you forgot to tell us that these things are not effortlessly compatible with having children. And likewise, that without having a wife at home with the kids, it would make our partner’s lives difficult to pursue his own ambitions. And wow is it just a great way to ferment bitterness (I’m not sure I’ll ever get over my hubby thinking it is “fair” that he has gotten to go on several boys’ surf trips post-kids while I have “gotten” to go on work trips). 

My particular older-generation relatives have been AMAZINGLY supportive post-kids (to make up for their lack of appropriate warnings that led both my husband and I to run head-long into careers that make it really hard to have kids and not totally freak out from stress?). Our parents have taken weeks and weeks out of their lives to come to our house (in some cases across the country and/or ocean!) to help while one of us was away, and have come with me on work trips to care for the kids. This has allowed us to pursue our not-very-kid-compatible careers. This is wonderful, but not everyone has this kind of support network (which requires both available time and MONEY). 

While telling us girls that we could do anything, y’all also forgot to teach the boys that in order for girls to be able to do anything and everything, they have to STEP IT UP in the parenting department. This doesn’t mean changing a diaper now and then, or wearing your baby on a monthly walk, and then sitting back and receiving praise for being SO involved. Nor does it mean playing with the kids while your wife does the housework. No, this means DOING ALL THE THINGS required to keep the household running while mom is doing non-kid-compatible things like working, going surfing, or getting a massage (maybe take a play out of the Aka tribe’s book?). 

While as a kid the idea of being a pharmacist or an optometrist was not as exciting as my goal to become a marine scientist, those jobs are – as I’ve learned from speaking to ladies in these jobs with grown kids – rather compatible with kids. It’s apparently fine to take time off and/or go back to work part-time without falling behind your colleagues and becoming non-competitive for jobs! What?! Plus, hours are flexible, allowing you to hang out with your kids in the morning when they are bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and then maybe start work at nap time and let someone else hang out with them for the witching hour. Gosh, that sounds refreshing. 

Maybe I still wouldn’t have chosen that path, had I known, but hot damn I would have liked to have made more informed decisions about my life trajectory. 

An example of a non-kid-compatible activity that is our preferred way to spend time together: floating down a possibly freshwater-croc infested hot-spring river in the Northern Territory.

So, what do we do?

Here are my suggestions:

1.   Hang in there through the post-baby relationship nose-dive. You guys got married because you liked each other. You probably still do, it’s just really hard and different. But it gets easier as the kids get older and less demanding. I found that the 1^stbirthday was a massive turning point for us. 2.    Get help. I hear great things about family therapy to help with #1. I’ve benefited from personal counseling as well, because I’m inherently neurotic and hard to live with, thus making the above harder. J
3.    Know you aren’t alone. Your marriage/parenting struggles are (unfortunately) really common and do not necessarily spell doom.
4.    Talk about it with your partner. It’s shocking to me how many times I’ve made assumptions that were contradicted when I finally clearly articulated how I felt. Example: I felt like I was expected to quit my job and become a stay at home mom, but my husband literally laughed and told me he agreed I would suck at that.
5.    Talk about it with your mom friends. I fucking love complaining. It makes it easier to deal with problems.
6.    Teach your boys to step up. Talk about these issues, and brainstorm ways to make them better. Teach them how to do housework (ahem, note to self).
7.    Let your partner parent. It’s tempting to have one person (usually mom) become the default parent and for them to make the decisions. But it’s not fair. I have had to literally just leave the house to prevent myself from meddling when I think my husband isn’t “doing it right,” but hot damn ladies, if we want our partners to step it up, we have to LET THEM.

This post was finished while on the train to my brother and his fiancé’s baby shower. I admit I am worried for them – they are living in different places right now, and he’s in grad school. These things are already really stressful. But, my brother was also one of the first people I left my first infant with alone – he is amazing and I know he will be a fantastic dad. So, this post is also one gift from me for their baby shower, so they can’t say I didn’t warn them!