Wednesday, 9 May 2018

The Best Mac-N-Cheese Ever™

Well hello, there! I just excavated this website out of layers of cobwebs, because I have something very, very important to share with you: the best Mac-N-Cheese recipe, ever. 

Yes, the rumors are true: while I am an amazing scientist, world-class surfer, and perfect mom, I am also an AMAZING cook. My favorite time to cook is at the end of a long day at work, preferably one kicked off by getting up at 4:45 am to hit to gym to maintain (since it’s impossible to improve!) my incredible physique. My favorite people to cook for? My kids, of course! They LOVE my cooking, always. No matter what fantastic new and exciting dish I create, they devour it with delight and thank me for nourishing them with such loving skill. 

[The photo I would have placed here would have demonstrated how amazing I am as a cook/mom/everything, but I didn't want to make anyone super jealous]

Now, dear readers, my gift to you is to share at least some of this radical life-success with you, by letting you in on my Mac-N-Cheese making secrets. Get ready to revolutionize your cooking game by following these 15 easy steps!

1.     Assemble your ingredients and supplies 

Ingredients:                                                                         Supplies:
Mac-N-Cheese box (preferably the orange kind).              Pot
Water                                                                                  Cup
Pat of butter                                                                        Butter knife & spoon
Glug of milk                                                                         Strainer

2.    Pour around 4 cups of water into the pot, and set it to boil.
3.    Open the Mac-N-Cheese box, and remove the Cheese packet.
4.    When the water is boiling, add the pasta to the boiling water (I almost typed “Mac” instead of pasta, but wouldn’t want you to throw your computer in to boil, so I called it “pasta”. Here, “pasta” refers to the “Mac” in “Mac-N-Cheese”, in case that nuance was too confusing).
5.    Now, here’s the important part: empty the packet of Cheese into the cup.
6.    Pour a glug of milk into the cup.
7.    Stir with the butter knife to combine into a nice, thick paste, about the consistency of yogurt. If you added too much milk, that sucks. If you didn’t add enough, glug in a little more and stir.
8.    Wipe the excess reconstituted super amazing Cheese-sauce off the side of the butter knife back into the cup.
Revolutionary step #1
9.    Second important/revolutionary part: Use the butter knife to cut a pat of butter off of your stick or out of your butter-like-substance container, if that’s your bag. Place the knife+butter on the counter near the sink.
Amazing piece of advice #2
10.  Check the pasta for done-ness by fishing out a piece with the spoon, running it under cold water, and tasting it. It’s done when it has absolutely no texture left, whatsoever. Kids are allergic to texture.
11.  When the pasta is sufficiently done, run cold water into your sink so you don’t melt your pipes, and then drain the pasta into a colander adjacent to the stream of water. Don’t rinse the pot or the pasta with the water.
12.  Next, possibly the best advice of this entire blog post: tip the pat of butter off of the waiting butter knife into the empty, but still hot pot. Swirl it around so it melts and coats the bottom of the pot.
Supremely important advice #3
13.  Shake around the pasta in the colander so it’s not too soggy, and then pour it back into the butter-coated pot. 
14.  Place the pot back on the stove now, or some other heat-proof surface where the hot pot won’t fuck up your counter. 
15.  Use the butter knife to scrape the prepared Cheese sauce onto your Mac (the pasta! not your computer!), and then use the same knife or your pasta-doneness spoon to stir it all together until each pasta piece is evenly coated in delicious orange goo.
Do not forget to serve the Mac-N-Cheese in identical dishes, to avoid the fairness fight that is otherwise sure to ensue

The technique I have selflessly shared with you tonight will create beautiful, rich Mac-N-Cheese comprised of well-cooked pasta that is properly favored with reconstituted supple cheese sauce without burnt, dried out pasta, dry clumps of cheese-flavored powder, and naked bits of pasta that invariably result from following the instructions on the Mac-N-Cheese package.  

I hope you enjoy basking in the adoration of your offspring after you present to them the Best Mac-N-Cheese Ever™. I humbly accept your undying gratitude. 

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