How to sound ridiculous

My friend Vanessa visited us with her two small kids in October, and pointed out how ridiculous we actually sound as parents, when we stop to think. While trying to teach our children proper civil behavior, we seem to constantly use the phrase “We don’t [insert horrifying behavior here].” Vanessa’s favorite example was “We don’t lick food off the walls!”

 I recently flew with Ryder from our home in San Diego to our new home in Boston (I start teaching Monday at UMass Boston). He was a wonderful little nugget on the flight, more or less, yet I still caught myself using the dreaded “we don’t” phrase. Here are a few choice examples of ways I make myself seem insane to any normal bystander:

 “We don’t put our feet in food.”

 “We do not lick public seating areas.”

 “We don’t wipe boogers on the wall.”

 “We don’t carry the potty around the house.”

 “We do not eat food from under the couch/table/car floor/seat cushions/floor of the airplane/terminal.”

We don't pick gum off the underside of chairs!

 “We do not eat playdoh.”

 “We do not paint our hair/the furniture/our clothing.”

 “We don’t throw food on the floor.”

 “We don’t kick the seat in front of us.”

 “We do not scream indoors!”

 I’m curious to find out what comes out of my mouth when I start commuting by train with Ryder each day, from Cambridge to UMass.